Saturday, late

Where is the Word, that I may have it in my heart? that I may live by it? becuase, right now, i think I am living by the world. I am not sure, and I am not sure at what spirituality I am at. and is the Lord delightful of me? in me? Is he happy about me? and I doing good, His will? or am I indulging in the world, something else? I wish to know what God thinks of me. Always condemned, I may be, or I may live free. I choose to believe God loves me. I choose to believe that, no matter what, I am in His will. I cannot escape it or run from it. So, I can choose to live happily in all that I do, trusting it is the Lords will and that I AM OKAY. If this is the truth, then let it be. amen.

Today:
Today Shannon went to a birthday party. It was fun. I went to drop her off and pick her up with mom. It was in the nice neighborhood that I have always only dreamt of living in. I believe one day, my reality will surpass my small dreams. There, we fed the ducks and enjoyed company. It took me back to a place I have once been, and showed me my reality of where I am and where I am going. I have been going through this alot now lately; gaining reality and being revealed to and choosing my future. I completely truth that Gods will will be done and He will be praised. amen and yay!
Today was also and interesting international culture experience for mom and i. Shannon came to for most of it. We did alot today. I woke up early, around 6am, from jet-lag (and i am super tired, now:) and then mom shan and i went to Baruch Hashem, a messianic jewish synogue introduced to me by an old roommate, katie. mom enjoyed the pressence of the Lord there very much. After that, we roamed the Plano area for some restraunts and came across a good little Indian place to eat, of course:). I showed mom everything I had eaten and experienced in India. Including Goolabjamen (sp?) and all the staples. She enjoyed the lady fingers (okra) and rice dish. yum! Then, she showed me a temple she had eyed close to the house. We drove by, and at first, i guessed it is probably muslim becuase there is a higher chance they would have a temple around. But, come to find out, on the corner of the white-brick building it said, "Sikh Temple -Glory to the One True God" -o, wow! I thought. how interesting that out of all the temples one could have, a sikh one just appears in my neighborhood of Garland, TX. Basically, I feel like India is following me. :) -or, i just have discovered it right where I am at. We ended up going inside and staying for about an hour observing and talking with the people there. We met one lady that was a teacher in Royce City for the special-ed and ESL students. wow. we met her family and some of the leaders there. They were impressed of my experience in India. I got to share with them all about what I did, where I went, and some of the language I learned. After visiting for some time, putting our shoes back on, and returning the head scarfs, we made our way over to Half Price Book Store.
I have been eyeing this book I saw in India. It caught my attention first thing and I have been missing not buying it. It was called: Arab Conquests. Quite interested I was in it; i am sad i didn't buy it. So, to fill that desire, I bought some other ones i could find at the local resell shop. I found some interesting one's and am excited to read them. One of them is about the HUMAN body and world. o yay. i have already skimmed the whole thing. It has great picutres and international information. it is great. i found myself reading on one page about "finding a mate" -hm... how interesting, i thought. :) and so i read along becuase interested i have been lately. for some time now, i have been open to the idea. for, single i am, and well, lets just say, interested. So, it said that there are different stages (of course) to attraction and attachment. I don't know if marriage is quite where i want to go yet. I guess if i didn't have a choice and had to get married, or maybe if it is best for me, then i would -i just couldn't imagine myself married, at least for right now? it seems too blah for me. i now it is God's intention for us, but i still think that maybe i need to development and establishment time, but i wouldn't mind good friends, at least. Transitioning from high school to college was not beneficial for me in the friendship area so much. there were limits at dbu for me, and a personal descision not to get involved so much in the social world there. 1) i had my old boyfriend and "didn't need new/other friends." Forced, i was, to make new and other friends after i didn't see him anymore. That surely surely was a hard time in my life for me. *tear.
Now, on the other side of that, and out of college, i feel like i could go anywhere i wish and take any road in life. It is like i am completely free, empty and pure of anything. I have not one attachment or string on me. From anything. No responsibilities. What should i do?! One thing i do have is OPPORTUNITY. wow o wow. from being a nomad to a professional to a student again, i could choose and become anything. This, i have felt for most of my time here on earth, especially recently in the last few years as i make decisions about my life while in college and such.
One thing I am for sure and certain about is that GOD has and knows the PLAN for my life, oh thankfully, or else i would be a gonner and looser and worthless. I am so very convinced that my Life is in His hands and that I will be okay, thankfully, and yay. So,now, here i am, up late, pondering on life, still tired and being stubborn on not going to sleep. It is like there is too much life to live to go to sleep! No way would i go to sleep! (but as a disciplined person, this i know i should do so that i can get up in the morning and enjoy another day, another sunrise:). But, here i am, searching for the one and daydreaming of the perfect man, searching the internet as if i am going to find him in a pop-up or something. yeah, right. God knows where he is and the timing. So, entertainment and fiddles shall seize, and peace shall come and reality. Life to play by and to be enjoyed. I am happy to be free and alive. yay and amen.)
This "perfect man" i have conjured up looks something like this: First of all, i should say that i think the perfect man for me is some one that is just like me! :) -at least very very similar. a) i live with myself, i like what i do, and what i am about. I would like to find someone just like this as well. :) yes, that would be ideal for me. He looks like this: Greek. Handsomely greek. Yes, i figured this would be best for me. He has blonde curley short hair. He is tall, a headish taller than me. Strong jawline and shoulders. Thick and built. Strong man. and smart, a thinker and analyst. This is great for conversation for me. I imagine him having an international business major and able to speak multiple languages, engaging in conversations with people from all over the globe. This I would quite enjoy.This is all i have so far. I am stuck on figuring out how my silly/randomness fits into all of this. So, i was thinking why i might be feeling this way, when, before, i didn't really have these feelings, especially when i was with someone...but now, i care about attraction and such. Why is this? Is it a selfish deal? something i should not think about? about making myself pretty and drawing attention to myself? this surely is a struggle i have had in the past. and still now but it is not so prevelent anymore. Now, i just enjoy what i want to, not thinking or worrying about consequences so much. sometimes this may be better, it relieves some stresses. So, one of my conclusions was the need/want to take care of someone, and someone to love. and also to be loved. But not everyone wants to be taken care of, so i guess its got to be someone that needs and wants it, someone that could use it. yes. Maybe relationships are such a mess, but when you want to be appreciated, it is like a mess doesn't exist. Maybe this is "blind love." So, does love always blind?