However, the fourth also means my birthday -yayy It is just around the corner. When the fourth is here, it reminds me that I have already been through another year in my life. It is kind of like when on New Year's, everybody considers their life and what they want out of it. Well, on July 6th, I do the same and set a new goal or theme for the next year and decide what I want out of it. The past few have not been too enjoyable -discovering life's purpose hurts! :P
When I turned 21, I was in Spain, and I could feel the change. The day I turned 21 it was like I was a different person and began to do different things -which was not such a bad thing. I needed the change. and still do! ha Three days later I returned home with a spinning head and literally sick.
at 22, the same thing. I was in India. Shimla, to be exact. The ancient capital of India where the day before my birthday my friends and I were walking down the path along the shops near the church and a man with an umbrella, on his way home after work stopped us with some chit chat about being Americans -not such a strange thing being some of the only white people in the country. However, he told us more than information about travel. He was a shaman-type person that prophesied a bit to us -which i really enjoyed -but at the time was closed towards him and short in my words and social skills -not very friendly, but I was intrigued -really. And thankful for it. I needed a breakthrough, an intervention, for my patience and peace were thin, and still are. He could see it, and told me so. I still really appreciate what he had to say to me.
He told me that for one year I have had troubles, (yes this was true, since Spain), and that a certain person had been bothering me and giving me troubles. This was also very true. But buried. I did not expect him to say anything about that -for I myself did not know! He said he could picture the guy. I think he tried to help me by giving me a few pointers. wow- this really blew me away a bit.
He also told me I needed to drink more water. Which was oh so true. I had changed my diet. When my desires and interests changed, so did my diet and nutrition. I began to do the opposite of what I knew to be best, and he could tell. Since then, I am just now (a year later) beginning to be comfortable again with true health. lol
So, the past two years have been rough and hard for me. Challenging life and beliefs, hopefully this year will be better -but I don't think it will be, not by my will, but by what my life needs.
Part of my heart and life-ache is learning how to be me -by myself- yes, this is surely the years of lonesomeness -not just for me, but any 20-something year old who does not have a family yet. Responsibility + Independence = something that I don't think I like (right now). It is uncomfortable for me right now, because it is new. Where is the dependence? No one is very dependent on me, and I on almost no one. Is that not a dangerous place to be in? Of course not, it might actually be the best place to be in -so much can and will come out of it -yay But I have not reached that quite yet. I know now that I need to learn how to be happy in whatever state I am in. So, basically, I need to learn how to live in my new life at age 23. lol
And, honestly, I don't feel that it will come until a few more years -until I have more maturity -and knowledge. I will gain this in the next two years -this I know. :)
Age 25 and beyond will be a much better time for me. But right now, is yuck. :) "I smile even though it hurts sometimes -because I know it is good for me." hehe
This is definitely a depression, but it is not always bad. I am being lifted up higher and higher each time.
Learning the ropes as I climb.
It is rough and I cry -the splinters in my hands are often like pines
They make me weary and weak
and at times I am knocked off my feet.
I get sick often, too
for my body is growing, changing, with each step becoming new
I keep going and climbing in silence a lot
no matter how hard it is, not many see me at all.
Like a cocoon, is my home right now
-just like a friend said, one day I will be full grown
like a butterfly to spread her wings
beautiful and wide, I will be set free
I will fly and know how, in all confidence and knowledge
wisdom will be my friend, whom I stand on
This is not now, for my shell is only small, hard and brown
but do not be fooled that
she will one day spread her wings and fly on top of buildings and see and do great things
This is part of my joy, to see what is to come. Without my joy I am undone.
But as I learn what is great and true, I cling to it as I become new.
yay for being age 23.
Posts
